Tag Archives: marriage

Surprisingly Good Things That Can Come from Divorce

According to the American Psychological Association, around 40% of marriages in the United States end in divorce. While that statistic accounts for nearly half of all marriages in this country, what’s not telling of this percentage is the number of former spouses who are happier for it. If you’ve had a divorce or are going through one right now, it’s normal to experience grief, feel ashamed, or flood yourself with what seems like a never-ending barrage of questions, especially with cultural norms to worry about and religious expectations to uphold.

But divorce doesn’t always have immediately elicit the negative. In fact, many people post-divorce find that life outside of their marriages has been filled with the exact opposite. Many divorce papers aren’t filed because the marriage was unhappy, toxic, or because infidelity or abuse was involved. There are even those out there who can look back on their marriage and recognize it as a good thing that came to a mutual end. Whether your marriage ended voluntarily or whether it was something you never wanted out of, here are a few reasons why divorce isn’t the end of the world or your joy, from a few people who came out better on the other side and have never felt happier.

Self-discovery and a new lease on life

One common benefit that people post-divorce comment on is having more time to themselves. While that might seem obvious, we sometimes unknowingly put our needs and goals on the back-burner when we’re consumed in our relationships. When Rebecca, a small business owner from Dallas, married her longtime best friend, they later realized that they were both good people who were just better off as friends.

“He was such a big part of my life and still is, because he was my best friend before he was my husband so we spent years hanging out and just being around each other all the time. When we got divorced I had to learn how to re-build my own identity. I found that in solitude I was more comfortable exploring and pursuing my passions because I didn’t feel like I was letting him down or being selfish, and because of that I’ve been able to build a fulfilling career and life, and still keep my best friend by my side.”

Forgetting the eggshells and being comfortable in your own skin again

Sometimes in marriages, you find yourself morphing into the person your spouse wants you to be. And while partners can definitely inspire positive changes in your life, sometimes it’s over the things that aren’t broken.

“I realized I was trying to change so much about myself to fit into his ideal of ‘perfect’, and I was starting to blame myself for the things I couldn’t change. I didn’t feel comfortable having a fresh face around him, because of my acne and hyperpigmentation that he always asked why I wasn’t able to get rid of, as if I wasn’t trying every product or diet suggestion out there. I couldn’t be real and talk about things like chin hair, blackheads, or passing gas because I wasn’t supposed to have or be doing any of those things. It was stressful trying to be this “perfect” person, and never feeling good enough. It feels amazing being able to be myself and feel beautiful again, every part of me – good or ‘bad’.” – Marianna, Lifestyle & Beauty Blogger

 

Getting to nourish other important relationships in your life

It’s not unusual to neglect certain relationships when you’re married, especially when your partner becomes your everyday and all-in-one person. For Carolina, a Worship and Children’s Ministry Leader from San Diego, it took the end of her marriage to bring her closer to her family and her faith. When her husband left her for another woman, she was devastated and alone for the first time in over a decade.

“Not only was I lost, I was completely blindsided. I had an estranged relationship with my siblings due to a loss in our family years earlier but I had no one else to turn to and I desperately needed their support, so I swallowed my pride and reached out to them. My divorce ended up being the reason we were able to reconcile and are closer than we’ve ever been. I started going to church again and began relying on God to fill the voids in my life. I soon learned that He was the one person who wouldn’t leave me, no matter what. Sometimes we can’t understand why things happen the way they do at the time, but there is a blessing to be found in the heartbreak. I gained true faith and my family back.”

Finding confidence and learning to lean on yourself

If you’re suffering from a marriage that ended due to infidelity or abuse, it’s easy to think that that’s a blow you might not ever be able to recover from. But women all over are turning these lemons into lemonade. Jessica, a Self-Help Coach and Writer from New York, spent months feeling unworthy after finding out that her husband of over 14 years, and dad of their 4 kids, had been unfaithful for almost half of their relationship.

“I felt like a joke. I struggled to even find the energy to get up in the morning most days, even with four bright-eyed babies staring up at me. Then one day, a light in me had switched. I realized I was capable and that there was nowhere to go but up, and I was going to show my children that if I could conquer anything, they could. It was at rock bottom that I found my inner strength and learned to love myself again. I had this toxic mentality that the way people treated me showed me how I should value myself, which was a complete lie. Now I help women all over the country realize their worth and eliminate negative self-talk. I love every second of what I do and I now proudly brag that I’m in a committed relationship with my career!”

Becoming a better parent by being a happy parent

Two people parent better when they are both in better places themselves. Constant bickering and unhealthy conflict handling create a hostile environment for children and one they’re likely to follow in. For Teresa and Taylor, Software Developers from Las Vegas, they made the decision to end their marriage for the sake of their children because of their toxic relationship and inability to get along. They now have joint custody of their children and feel much more successful as co-parents.

“Our children now have the benefit of growing up in two happy households”, they say. “It’s really made all the difference and we have a much better relationship with each other now that we’re not at each other’s throats all the time.”

How to Be a Guest at Your Ex’s Wedding

The mysterious envelope drops through your door. You pick it up and rip it open to find a handmade, glitter-clad wedding invitation. The announcement is loud and clear. Your ex and their partner have decided to make things official. Oh yes, they’re tying the knot and they’ve decided they want you to witness the whole darn thing. Feeling confused? Here’s how you can handle the situation with true class.

Do Think Twice About Attending

It might be a radical notion but you don’t have to attend the wedding simply because you’ve been invited. Let that sink in. Before you rush out and buy a hat for the oh-so-special day, take a moment to really consider whether you want to go or not. If you search the depths of your soul and realize you’re a) not ready to go to your ex’s wedding or b) just plain don’t want to, that’s completely fine. This is 100% your call.

woman guest at a wedding

Don’t Go if You’re Not Over Them

Are you really over your ex? Be honest. Recent research from the Binghamton University and University College London found women suffer higher levels of emotional pain during a breakup than men do. If you’re still crying yourself to sleep at night while watching The Notebook on repeat, you might want to avoid attending your ex’s wedding.

Whether it’s been two weeks (unlikely… but you never know!) or 10 years since you broke up, there’s no shame in admitting you’re still hurt. Own that emotion. Just don’t own it on the dance floor of your ex’s wedding reception while weeping and tunelessly singing the latest Adele hit. You don’t want to be that girl. Nobody does.

Do Get a Brand New Outfit

If you’ve determined yes, you are absolutely over your ex, going to their wedding is an adult gesture. However, you’re not a saint. The last thing you want is to turn up to the big day looking like you just rolled out of bed and sprinted over. No. You deserve to look incredible. Plus, it could give you the boost you need.

woman trying on dresses

One psychological theory suggests the clothes we wear can have a direct impact on our cognitive processes, i.e. how we think. Experts have put forward the notion of “enclothed cognition,” which is the effect our outfit can have on how we feel. Wearing a new dress that makes you feel powerful and beautiful could make all the difference.

Don’t Try to Outshine the Bride

While you want to look awesome, you musn’t outshine the bride. You need to walk the tightrope here. This is her special day and she won’t take too kindly to being upstaged by her soon-to-be husband’s ex.

When it comes to picking your outfit, rule out any tight-fitted, low cut, and uber short little numbers. Search for a dress that makes you feel incredible but is still sophisticated and chic. That might be a tall order but it’s an excuse to have a serious shopping trip.

bride with her wedding guest

Do Take the Time to Compliment Her

Put yourself in the bride’s shoes. She’s been a big person and agreed to let her fiance’s ex come to her wedding. That’s a massive deal. The least you could do here is try to make her feel comfortable with that decision by showing you’re not a threat. Throwing a compliment or two her way when you say hello is a simple way to do just that.

Remember, complimenting someone is an art form. Research suggests a genuine compliment can increase happiness levels and improve social interactions. However, you don’t want to come across as fake. To avoid this tricky issue, choose something you’re genuinely impressed by to compliment. Be specific. For instance, you might love the bride’s hair or the flowers she picked out. Be honest and you’re onto a winner.

Don’t Drink Too Much Alcohol

When the champagne is flowing, it’s easy to get carried away and guzzle down more than you should. Cool it. Spoiler: alcohol makes people do and say things they would never dream of doing or saying when they’re sober. Alcohol limits the amount of oxygen your brain gets, which basically turns you into a giant child.

Of course, that doesn’t mean you can’t have a drink or two at the wedding, but set yourself a limit. You know yourself better than anybody else. Decide how much is an acceptable amount and stick to it. It might sound boring but the hangover and cringingly embarrassing flashbacks the next day are not worth it.

wedding guests drinking

Do Take a Date (if You Have a Plus One)

If you’ve been granted a plus one on the wedding invitation (and you’re dating someone), you’d better use it. Taking that special someone with you will only help to ease any social awkwardness. You’ve moved on and you’ve got someone new on your arm to prove it. Plus, having a friendly face by your side will help calm any nerves you may have.

Golden rule: tell your date it’s your ex’s wedding in advance. Seriously. If you keep that little nugget of information to yourself and the person you take finds out when you’re there, it could be a disaster. The best case scenario here is they think it’s no big deal and act graciously. The worst is they feel like a pawn in your childish revenge plot, freak out, and leave you at the dinner table. You don’t want to risk it.

The takeaway is simple. So long as you’re on good terms and you’re over them, attending your ex’s wedding doesn’t have to be a huge drama. Take things easy. This day is not at all about you. It’s about two people, who love one another, making a lifelong commitment. Leave the fact you used to date one of them at the door and have a blast.

Can Online Dating Lead to True Love?

Lonely-hearters rejoice: cupid’s arrow is turning digital. Proof? More than 5% of Americans met Mr. or Ms. Right online, according to the Pew Research Center.  More than 49 million Americans—a third of them unmarried millennials—have jumped onto the online dating bandwagon.

And why not? Online dating services provide scientific matches that are based on 400-question personality surveys.  According to the Laws of Attraction, the other ingredients to a long-lasting relationship are physical attraction, reciprocity, similarity, and proximity. The latter is where e-dating swoops in. It allows busy professionals, who may have particular types, orientations, or lifestyles, to fish for potential partners on a global scale, without much risk or time commitment.

Blond beautiful blogger kissing for selfie against pink

More good news: Cyber marriages also have higher satisfaction rates and lower divorce rates than offline couples— just 6 percent of couples who met online of couples who met online (as compared to 7.6 percent of couples who met traditionally) call it quits after 8 years, the average length of a marriage in the U.S.

Ready to click your first love letter in binary code?  Not so fast. Internet dating can lead to happily ever after, but it can also be a dead end at heartbreak lane. So, we’re helping you uncross your wires by looking at the good, the bad, and the ugly when finding love on the Net.

Pretty little liar

Online dating has a dark side. According to a 2007 study published in the journal of Evolution and Human Behavior, roughly 9 out of 10 people included white lies on their dating profiles. The number one lie: size. On average, women fudged their weight by 8.5 pounds while men fibbed by only 2 pounds, although they misrepresented their heights, rounding up a half  .

Closeup portrait of a beautiful redhead woman using smartphone

Luckily, Paul Bunyan-sized lies are rare.  “There were a few extreme lies in the sample, including a three inch lie about height, a 35 pound lie about weight, and an 11 year lie about age,” writes Catalina Toma, an assistant professor of communications at Cornell University. “This may be one reason that people believe lying is so rampant in online dating, especially since these extreme lies are more likely to be circulated.”

Another study, published in 2009 in The Journal of Communication, found that most women’s profile photos were 17 months old and professionally retouched, with glossier hair, fuller lips, and a flawless complexion. However, men’s avatars were on average only 6 months old.

tinder
Happy Zoe / Shutterstock.com

The silver lining: people are less likely to lie about their political affiliations.  Dating is a place where your vote counts: 50% of people won’t date outside of their political party, according to a 2008 OkCupid survey, .  And what about that other taboo: religion?? While apps like Tinder are winning the numbers game with 50 million users and counting, sites like JDate, Christian Mingle, Single Hindus, Muzmatch, and even Atheist Passions are gaining ground. “What I’ve seen is a trend going toward spirituality, as opposed to a defining religion,” said Rachel DeAlto, a relationship expert and dating coach, in an interview with Today. “Even when people are raised with religion, they’re more inclined to be open.”

Happily ever after

Need proof that true love can exist online? Here it is. With a click of a mouse, these online daters’ lives changed forever.

happy couple

Chicago-native LaKitia met her husband, Jeremy, on Black Singles in 2008.  “I ignored his profile based on his picture,” Lakitia admitted. “In it, he had an afro. He was hot. He was sweaty. He just looked annoyed.”  He only scored an 83% in compatibility. After several bad dates, this Chi-town city slicker sent the Texas farm-boy a wink.  The couple dated for 4 years, breaking up twice. “[We] always found our way back together,” Lakitia said. “After 4 years of dating, he proposed. “We’re embarking on our second wedding anniversary next month.”


Brita was in the middle of an internship in Columbus, Ohio when she signed up for OkCupid. “I was only interested in casual dating,” Brita said. “I already had a job lined up in New York.” Two and a half weeks before she was supposed to fly to the Big Apple, Dan, a Findlay, Ohio resident, sent her a punctuation joke and the two of them hit it off. But neither of them wanted a long-distance relationship.  Agreeing to be friends, they skyped and chatted via phone for the next few months. “I was in love with him a full month before he asked me to be his girlfriend [by email],” Brita gushed. On Thanksgiving, she met the whole family, and by Christmas, the couple was discussing marriage. “We both agreed we would need to spend time living in the same state before getting married. I moved back to Columbus once my contract was up, almost a year exactly after our first date,” she said. On the weekend of their second anniversary, Dan proposed. The couple tied the knot five months later.  They’ve been married for 2 ½ years.

What do you think about online dating?  Have you tried it?  Let us know in the comments section.