Tag Archives: relationships

Guy Talk: What He’s Actually Saying

Whether you’ve been talking to a guy for two weeks, or have been happily together for twenty years, one of the most common struggles in any relationship is communication. As men, we’ve developed a reputation for ourselves—and perhaps rightfully so. It’s not that we’re uncommunicative. It’s just that, sometimes, we aren’t the best at articulating ourselves. And often, we like to assume that a simple yes or no, or cryptic text message solves the problem (it doesn’t). Ladies, no need to freak out. We’re not that hard to understand. To help, below we’ll decode some of our common sayings (AKA guy talk).

 

What he’s saying:  “I’m sorry.”

What he’s actually saying: “I’m sick of arguing, can we have make-up sex now?”

Commonly heard after a fight or argument, men often use this seemingly honest statement to cover up what we really mean. Yeah, we’re probably sorry, but we’re also ready to go.

What he’s saying: “I’m good.”

What he’s actually saying: “I like the things the way they are right this second and I’m literally not looking to add or change anything.”

When we say we’re good, it’s best to believe us. Sure, it’s a pithy reply. But it’s an honest one.

What he’s saying: “I promise.”

What he’s actually saying: “I kind of promise.”

If we consistently promise to do things and don’t show up or call, use your best judgment and put stock in our actions. Not all men are the same. And when real men make promises, we follow through with them.
man smirk

What he’s saying: “You’re not fat.”

What he’s actually saying: “Seriously, you’re not fat.”

Commonly uttered when you’re naked, we generally mean it. You’re seriously not fat. And you going on and on about body issues is getting tedious.

What he’s saying: “I’m not ready for a relationship right now.”

What he’s actually saying:” I’m not interested in a relationship with you.”

If we’re afraid of committing, it’s probably not circumstantial. It’s probably you. However, if you’d like to become friends with benefits, let us know!
Married couple having an argument sitting up n their bed facing off in opposite directions as they ignore one another

What he’s saying: “I’ll call you.”

What he’s actually saying: “I won’t call you…but I don’t know how to say it nicely.”

Usually heard at the end of a date, this phrase is our go-to when we don’t know what else to say. What we really mean is that we don’t ever want to see you again, but we’re not sure how to put it bluntly.
man waving goodbye

What he’s saying: “She’s just a friend.”

What he’s actually saying: “I’d like her to be more than a friend but I also don’t want to cheat on you.”

Oh baby you, you got what I need. And I swear she’s just a friend…
man and woman working

What he’s saying: “You look better without makeup.”

What he’s actually saying: “Hurry up, I’m damn hungry.”

Commonly heard before a dinner date, he’s probably being honest. However, he’s also hangry and could care less what you put on your face.

What he’s saying: “It’s a boys night.”

What he’s actually saying: “I just need a night to drink beers and talk about stuff that bores the hell out of you.”

Seriously, the game is on and I’m in the mood to pound beers and get in touch with my primal side. I may look at other girls, but I’m not going to cheat.

What he’s saying: “I’m busy.”

What he’s actually saying: “I have plenty of time…I’d just rather not spend it with you.”

Unfortunately, we’ve decided to not put you on the list of important things to make time for. There are 24 hours in a day—there’s no way we’re busy every single one of them.

What he’s saying: “Let’s try something different.”

What he’s actually saying: “I’m starting to get bored.”

We mean it. Let’s try something new, whether it’s in the bedroom or in the kitchen. Keeping things fresh and exciting isn’t too much to ask, is it?
Sexy man holding handcuffs, sit on sofa, black and white, bdsm

What he’s saying: “I like chilling at my place.”

What he’s actually saying: “I’m really only interested in seeing you behind closed doors.”

AKA I’m really just into having sex at the moment. Take it with a grain of salt.
Top view of sexy muscular young man looking at camera with sensual smile while lying in bed

What he’s saying: “I need more space.”

What he’s actually saying: “I need some time alone to think things over.”

We’ve probably just had a fight. And I probably need some time to save my ass.

Surprisingly Good Things That Can Come from Divorce

According to the American Psychological Association, around 40% of marriages in the United States end in divorce. While that statistic accounts for nearly half of all marriages in this country, what’s not telling of this percentage is the number of former spouses who are happier for it. If you’ve had a divorce or are going through one right now, it’s normal to experience grief, feel ashamed, or flood yourself with what seems like a never-ending barrage of questions, especially with cultural norms to worry about and religious expectations to uphold.

But divorce doesn’t always have immediately elicit the negative. In fact, many people post-divorce find that life outside of their marriages has been filled with the exact opposite. Many divorce papers aren’t filed because the marriage was unhappy, toxic, or because infidelity or abuse was involved. There are even those out there who can look back on their marriage and recognize it as a good thing that came to a mutual end. Whether your marriage ended voluntarily or whether it was something you never wanted out of, here are a few reasons why divorce isn’t the end of the world or your joy, from a few people who came out better on the other side and have never felt happier.

Self-discovery and a new lease on life

One common benefit that people post-divorce comment on is having more time to themselves. While that might seem obvious, we sometimes unknowingly put our needs and goals on the back-burner when we’re consumed in our relationships. When Rebecca, a small business owner from Dallas, married her longtime best friend, they later realized that they were both good people who were just better off as friends.

“He was such a big part of my life and still is, because he was my best friend before he was my husband so we spent years hanging out and just being around each other all the time. When we got divorced I had to learn how to re-build my own identity. I found that in solitude I was more comfortable exploring and pursuing my passions because I didn’t feel like I was letting him down or being selfish, and because of that I’ve been able to build a fulfilling career and life, and still keep my best friend by my side.”

Forgetting the eggshells and being comfortable in your own skin again

Sometimes in marriages, you find yourself morphing into the person your spouse wants you to be. And while partners can definitely inspire positive changes in your life, sometimes it’s over the things that aren’t broken.

“I realized I was trying to change so much about myself to fit into his ideal of ‘perfect’, and I was starting to blame myself for the things I couldn’t change. I didn’t feel comfortable having a fresh face around him, because of my acne and hyperpigmentation that he always asked why I wasn’t able to get rid of, as if I wasn’t trying every product or diet suggestion out there. I couldn’t be real and talk about things like chin hair, blackheads, or passing gas because I wasn’t supposed to have or be doing any of those things. It was stressful trying to be this “perfect” person, and never feeling good enough. It feels amazing being able to be myself and feel beautiful again, every part of me – good or ‘bad’.” – Marianna, Lifestyle & Beauty Blogger

 

Getting to nourish other important relationships in your life

It’s not unusual to neglect certain relationships when you’re married, especially when your partner becomes your everyday and all-in-one person. For Carolina, a Worship and Children’s Ministry Leader from San Diego, it took the end of her marriage to bring her closer to her family and her faith. When her husband left her for another woman, she was devastated and alone for the first time in over a decade.

“Not only was I lost, I was completely blindsided. I had an estranged relationship with my siblings due to a loss in our family years earlier but I had no one else to turn to and I desperately needed their support, so I swallowed my pride and reached out to them. My divorce ended up being the reason we were able to reconcile and are closer than we’ve ever been. I started going to church again and began relying on God to fill the voids in my life. I soon learned that He was the one person who wouldn’t leave me, no matter what. Sometimes we can’t understand why things happen the way they do at the time, but there is a blessing to be found in the heartbreak. I gained true faith and my family back.”

Finding confidence and learning to lean on yourself

If you’re suffering from a marriage that ended due to infidelity or abuse, it’s easy to think that that’s a blow you might not ever be able to recover from. But women all over are turning these lemons into lemonade. Jessica, a Self-Help Coach and Writer from New York, spent months feeling unworthy after finding out that her husband of over 14 years, and dad of their 4 kids, had been unfaithful for almost half of their relationship.

“I felt like a joke. I struggled to even find the energy to get up in the morning most days, even with four bright-eyed babies staring up at me. Then one day, a light in me had switched. I realized I was capable and that there was nowhere to go but up, and I was going to show my children that if I could conquer anything, they could. It was at rock bottom that I found my inner strength and learned to love myself again. I had this toxic mentality that the way people treated me showed me how I should value myself, which was a complete lie. Now I help women all over the country realize their worth and eliminate negative self-talk. I love every second of what I do and I now proudly brag that I’m in a committed relationship with my career!”

Becoming a better parent by being a happy parent

Two people parent better when they are both in better places themselves. Constant bickering and unhealthy conflict handling create a hostile environment for children and one they’re likely to follow in. For Teresa and Taylor, Software Developers from Las Vegas, they made the decision to end their marriage for the sake of their children because of their toxic relationship and inability to get along. They now have joint custody of their children and feel much more successful as co-parents.

“Our children now have the benefit of growing up in two happy households”, they say. “It’s really made all the difference and we have a much better relationship with each other now that we’re not at each other’s throats all the time.”

How to Be Friends With Your Ex

You were in a beautiful relationship… and then it ended. Now, you have to figure out what to do with the mess in the aftermath. If you ultimately decide you want to be friends with your ex, give yourself a pat on the back. You do need to tread carefully, though, because this type of friendship is unique. Here are seven tips for how to be friends with your ex.

How to Be Friends With Your Ex: 7 Simple Tips

1. Give the Relationship the Time and Space it Needs

Trying to figure out how to be friends with your ex is admirable — and totally doable. Don’t rush it, though. If you broke up a week ago, you both likely need more time and space to grieve the end of the relationship and heal.

Rushing a friendship after a breakup could end up burying hurt feelings that will undoubtedly bubble up and explode later on.

woman learning how to be friends with an ex

2. Avoid Falling Back Into Old Habits

Did you and your ex-partner used to text until the wee hours of the morning? Fun times, those were. Now, they’re over.

You had such a strong bond with this person. Especially if you were together for a long time, it might only feel natural to keep all those old habits. After all, you spent years sending each other stupid memes and texting from the toilet.

However, when you put an end to a relationship, you put an end to the habits and behaviors that went along with it. The nature of your relationship has drastically changed. Also, you need to prepare yourself, because in all likelihood, your ex will move on to someone else. Then, they’ll be texting them from the toilet, not you.

Cut the apron strings now.

And speaking of your ex-partner moving on to someone else…

3. Stay Out of Their New Relationships

You feel entitled to an opinion on the new person they’re dating — obviously. After all, you used to be entitled to an opinion about everything, from how they combed their hair to the way they used to wear socks with sandals.

The difference now, though, is that you’re just their friend. In other words, your ex’s new relationship is none of your beeswax.

If you’re going to commit to being their friend, you have to commit to keeping it positive and refraining from starting any drama. It doesn’t matter if you think they’re rebounding with someone else, jumping into a new relationship too quickly, or doing everything for the new person that they were supposed to do with you.

group of friends learning how to be friends with an ex

Be supportive, or at the very least, stay out of it. The friendship will suffer otherwise.

4. Only Hang Out in Environments That Are “Ex-Friendly”

Did you have your first kiss in the back of a movie theater? Steer clear of that cinema.

Do you know that being alone with them will make it hard to resist certain temptations? Only hang out in groups.

Being friends is wonderful, but that doesn’t mean you won’t need boundaries. In fact, relationships of all kinds have boundaries. It’s how we protect ourselves and each other.

5. Call Them Your Friend — Not Your Ex

Yes, they’re your ex, but now? They’re your friend. Introducing someone or referring to them as your ex makes things weird. It also kind of implies you’re stuck in the past. If you want to be friends, treat it like a friendship — not a relationship that ended.

woman learning how to be friends with her ex

6. Limit Your Social Media Exposure to Them

After a breakup, we certainly love to torture ourselves by watching our ex-partners’ every move on social media. Where did they check in? Who were they with? What kinds of fun were they having without you?

This is a recipe for hurt feelings. Also? Social media stalking is something you do with an ex — not a friend. Remember those boundaries? Set another one: don’t unfriend your ex on Facebook, but consider unfollowing them. Don’t unfollow them on Instagram, but maybe mute their posts.

That way, you control when you want to see them. You won’t risk any undesirable photos popping up on your newsfeed with no warning.

woman on cell phone

7. Avoid Trash Talking to Your Gal Pals

We all need that time after a breakup to vent and talk smack to our friends. Give yourself this time, for sure. However, when you decide you’re ready to be friends with your ex, you have to try to let the negativity go. Keep it positive, leave the gossip behind, and be a friend to your ex both to their face and behind their back.

How Important is Guys Night Out?

In a word?  Very. Everyone needs “me time.” Old, new, single, coupled, permed, bobbed, everyone needs space. But this is mostly important for coupled people. Studies indicate that lack of privacy and/or “me time” significantly accounts for unhappy marriages and bad sex. That’s bad news.

No matter how much fun you have just watching Netflix with your sweetie, or how much the two of you can’t stand to be apart when there’s a birthday party, giving one another a night off to spend with friends or interests is a healthy move for any relationship with future goals. Because (hard as it is to imagine now), you both did have lives before you met. It’s good form to help preserve ties to old friends.

young couple watching TV

When she wants to go to a wine tasting with her friends, I’m totally okay with it, but if I want to go out on the boat to fish, there’s going to be a problem,” said Rick S., 27, graphic designer.

Especially, if you go on a Saturday,” chimed a 35-year old father of two.

There is no Saturday option at my house,” said a 24-year old coder in a new relationship.

Tsk, tsk, we fall in love with boys and men because of who they are. We’re interested in their opinions and tastes, want to learn their interests, anything and everything about what makes them them. Being supportive of a guy’s night out is really just guaranteeing that he continues growing into that awesome person for as long as you know him. It enhances trust between the two of you and creates space for personal growth, including your own.

Men learn from other men and while that has its pros and cons, it’s also how Graham can tell Joe what to do about the rattle in his car. And likely, they’ll bellow a few laughs and share some retold stories and come home feeling inspired. It’s something that comes from that male bond. You do not want to try and squeeze into the bond two guys have over a team’s entire sports history since they were in 6th grade. You need to leave that alone.

When it’s your partner’s night out, it’s also your night to spend however you wish and reap the benefits of being (momentarily) alone. Stay at the studio for a second yoga class; go in search of that tomato plant you’ve been meaning to replace. Invite BFFs over and bask in the glow of a good girlfriend session. Or, of course, go out and hit the town!

Barring any late night phone calls from jail, you’re in for a grateful mate upon return.  Happy people want to make people happy so hopefully, you’ll reap the benefits of this almost immediately. And with some regularity, you’ll quickly see how healthy it is to give each other space for other things.

Is It Just a Rough Patch or Should You Break Up?

The arguments have gotten longer and more bitter. The loving late night cuddles are a distant memory. You feel alone but you’re still together. Could it be that your love story has turned into a nightmare? In any long-term relationship, it can be hard to figure this out: are you going through a normal rough patch or should you break up? It’s a tricky question to ask yourself. So, how about a little advice to help you out? Here’s what you need to know.

Constructive Arguing Can Be Healthy

Call it a spat or a lovers’ tiff – all couples argue from time to time. “There’s nothing wrong with couples arguing,” says Cate Mackenzie, a Psychosexual Therapist, Couples Counsellor and Love Coach, and member of COSRT. “The difference is how they repair and how they soothe. If they don’t do any of that, that’s when it starts to be a disaster.” Getting past your conflict in a calm way could be the secret to longevity. One 14-year-long study found that couples who argued frequently but in a peaceful way were more likely to stay together than those who did not. Since it’s unlikely that you have the same opinion on every issue, you have to find a way to healthily deal with disagreements. On the other hand, should you find yourself constantly in vicious battle, you may have to question why that is. Digging up old conflicts when you argue and making the issue bigger than it is will only make the situation toxic. Should this be happening more often than not, you may want to think about whether the relationship is doing more harm than good. couple fighting should you break up

But Relationships Run On Principles

“All relationships run on principles,” says Cate, “and maybe even the couple works out what those principles should be.” When you first start dating someone, you might give no thought to what the main guidelines of your relationship are. Let’s face it, it’s hardly romantic to sit down together and write out your ground rules. However, having these principles in place could help see you through the rockiest of waters. When you’re not sure what each other’s boundaries are within the relationship, it’s no wonder that you might have problems. Explaining to one another what you expect from the offset means that there are no nasty surprises down the line. Then, should one of you break those principles, you can have an honest talk about why that was disrespectful. It doesn’t have to be a “one strike and you’re out” policy. However, if you find that your partner is bulldozing your principles on a regular basis, you have to question where the respect lies. Is it there at all? When you’ve been crystal clear about what you need in a relationship and your partner can’t (or won’t) give you that, it could be time to call it quits.

Certain Lines Shouldn’t Be Crossed

Regardless of how you might feel about someone, there are certain lines which no one should ever cross. “If someone’s violent, you can’t stay,” says Cate. “Of course, it’s totally possible that people can go and get help or work stuff through. But that needs to be thought about because the dangers are so high.” sad woman thinking should you break up What’s more, your partner doesn’t need to raise their hand to you to be abusive. Some of the most damaging cases of abuse are mental rather than physical. According to the Office on Women’s Health, this mistreatment can include gaslighting, insults, humiliation, and threats, among other troubling issues. With that in mind, here are some helpful resources and contact details:

Having respect within a romantic relationship is essential. When you start to notice a pattern of behavior that includes these things, it’s important that you get help. No one should have to be victimized by their partner so the sooner you take action, the better.

No Trust Means No Relationship

Do you trust your partner? If you hesitated before answering, you might want to consider whether the relationship will work out. Getting past a betrayal can be difficult, especially if it comes early on. One study from Ohio State University suggested that when the trust was broken in a new relationship, it was harder to overcome than if it happened later. “First impressions matter when you want to build a lasting trust,” writes Robert Lount, co-author of the study and assistant professor of management and human resources at Ohio State University’s Fisher College of Business. “If you get off on the wrong foot, the relationship may never be completely right again. It’s easier to rebuild trust after a breach if you already have a strong relationship.” Either way, when your partner betrays you in some way – be it by cheating on you or sneaking behind your back – it stings. It’s perfectly natural that the pain may leave a lasting scar and one that you can’t get past. If that’s the case, it may be better to walk away now and simply cut your losses.

The Beauty and Challenges of a Bicultural Relationship

I possess a deep love for my hometown in the Great Northwest and feel exquisitely at home when I am in it. Despite this, I live in Costa Rica. Why? For love. I met and fell in love with my Nicaraguan fiancé while working for an NGO in his home country. While I initially relocated to Nicaragua thinking I would eventually return to the US, I was also open to seeing where life and love took me. Upon meeting my partner, I knew right away we had something special, and now we live together in Costa Rica, with his two school-aged children. Our relationship is lovely. It is pure and filled with the type of vulnerable and raw adoration perhaps unique to an bicultural relationship. But, it sure isn’t easy.

bicultural relationship
Image via Stocksnap under license CC0

We live in a world that seems to grow smaller and smaller with every passing year for those of us lucky enough to travel. International family vacations, junior year study abroad programs, after-college backpacking trips, and years spent teaching abroad are now commonplace. Of course, this is a wonderful thing. Yet, one of the inevitable results of our increasingly accessible world is falling in love during one of these international experiences, thus creating the huge decision to move abroad for a foreign partner. Upon embarking on foreign travel, we often daydream about meeting a mysterious and sexy lover, whether it be for a short, fun stint, or for the long haul. In fact, a study released by the US Census Bureau concluded that in the first decade of 2010, the percentage of interracial and interethnic couples grew by a whopping 28%.

Image via Stocksnap under license CC0
Image via Stocksnap under license CC0

It is common to idealize an international love affair. However, before entering into such a partnership, we must understand the very real challenges that accompany a long-term relationship with our foreign sweetie. Once the sense of adventure, mystery, and sexiness begin to fade, the following realities set in.

COMMUNICATION

Whether you are fluent or near fluent in a foreign language or just learning, this is perhaps the most challenging of challenges for a bicultural relationship. I was nearly fluent in Spanish upon moving to Nicaragua and improved dramatically over my almost two years there. My partner was impressed by my language skills, yet this didn’t help whatsoever in moments of sadness, anger, frustration, or perhaps simply struggling through endlessly mixing up tenses when telling a story. Without a doubt, being forced to communicate in the context of an intimate relationship exclusively in another language is a fantastic way to learn, but it comes with many moments of difficulty that can bring you to tears.

Image via Stocksnap under license CC0
Image via Stocksnap under license CC0

However, the flip side of this is that sort of beautiful, unique vulnerability mentioned earlier. When we lack the ability to hide behind words, to sugar coat our emotions, or to understand completely how we are perceived by our listeners, this offers an innocence and purity that opens up in us an enormous capacity to love.

LOCATION

Since spending a semester studying in Israel during high school, I have placed living abroad on the top of my priority list. However, it was not until I met my love and knew it was not just a fleeting romance that the reality hit of moving permanently to another country.

I might describe the process as that of grief. I grieve the loss of not having my family close, the ease of conducting life in my own language, and the endless list of conveniences I took for granted, like salad bars and coffee shops. Don’t wait to discuss this with your partner. If you know for sure that moving permanently abroad is not something you’re up for, this must be an early topic of conversation. Is your partner able to move to your country? Could you split your time? As romantic as things might seem, if neither of you is willing to relocate in the long term, it simply won’t work.

Image via Pixabay under license CC0
Image via Pixabay under license CC0

CULTURAL DIFFERENCES

Without a doubt, there is something deeply special about the learning and growth that can take place when individuals from two different cultures form a bond in a bicultural relationship. However, challenges such as gender roles, parenting methods, how to spend free time, and much more will become very real points of contemplation, discussion, and compromise. Consider your non-negotiables in a relationship and in a future. Pay close attention to signs early on that point to which differences will be most relevant to your relationship, and be sure your partner is open and enthusiastic to discuss these differences. After all, this is where the learning and growth occur.

Image via Pixabay under license CC0
Image via Pixabay under license CC0

RELIGION

This might or might not be a challenge, depending on your upbringing and personal beliefs. Do you both want to raise children in the religion you grew up in? If so, how might this look? Are you comfortable attending religious events with your partner? What about marrying under religious traditions that are completely different from those you always imagined? Religion is a challenge in a bicultural relationship that can generally be worked through, and can exist with any partner of a different religion, foreign or not, but should be taken seriously.

Image via Pixabay under license CC0
Image via Pixabay under license CC0

PARENTING

Through my experience, I have found that culturally-relevant parenting styles are something we often take for granted as being universally accepted. Trust me, this is not the case! Each and every culture has its own ways of discipline, education, expression, and family time, as well as its own traditions. While this can similarly be a challenge in any relationship, when people from different cultures join together in parenting, an entirely new layer of understanding and openness is called for.

Image via Pixabay under license CC0
Image via Pixabay under license CC0

So, is it worth it?

I believe that we don’t choose who we fall in love with, but the choice to continue loving over time must be intentional and requires work. For me, embarking on the challenges specific to a bicultural relationship keep me in a state of constant mental, emotional, and spiritual evolution. This certainly does not mean that moments and days of doubt, frustration, and questioning are absent, but I have never once questioned whether it’s all been worthwhile. After all, “Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.” –Maya Angelou

My family
My family

5 Relationship Books for a Better Love Life

Nights curled up together with interlocked limbs. Days spent on long country walks, smiling coyly at one another as the light catches the horizon. Bliss. Indeed, if every relationship consisted of these endless moments, we’d live in a utopian world. Sadly, we do not. The reality of any relationship is a splatter of the good, the bad, and – on hungover Sunday mornings – the ugly. However, if your relationship has lost that loving feeling and you’re feeling a little blue, there may be something you can do about it. It could be time to quite literally turn the page and read your way to a happier setup. Here are five new romance and self-help relationship books to get you started along the way.

5 Relationship Books to Teach You About Love

The All-or-Nothing Marriage by Eli Finkel

best relationship booksThink that self-help relationship books are full of mindless fluff? Think again. Underscored with compelling data and scientific research, The All-or-Nothing Marriage offers a unique take on how to achieve happiness in your relationship. Northwestern University psychologist Eli Finkel dedicated this book to his own life partner with a heartfelt statement. “To my wife, Alison, who thinks it’s hilarious that I’m a marriage expert.”

The book starts with an overview of how marriage has changed over the years. Then, it takes a turn into what that means for the modern-day relationship. Combining quick tips with science-backed advice, this one ought to be your one-stop-shop when it comes to improving your relationship once and for all.

How Luck Happens by Barnaby Marsh and Janice Kaplan

How many hilariously tragic dating tales do you have to hand? If you’re the type of person who is constantly unlucky in love, here’s the relationship book for you. How Luck Happens sets out to answer its title conundrum. New York Times bestselling author Janice Kaplan and academic Dr. Barnaby Marsh tackle the superstitious myths of good and bad luck head-on.

The question at the heart of this guide is simple. Is there such a thing as luck? And, if there is, is it something that you can learn to control? After taking a look at the available research in the area, the two come up with ways in which you can realistically change your fortunes and become lucky in love, life, and just about everything in between too.

The Love Gap by Jenna Birch

Smart, empowered, career-oriented women can’t find love, right? In The Love Gap, journalist and relationship columnist Jenna Birch reaches out to all the confident single ladies to help them navigate the modern-day dating scene. Why is it that so many women find success in every aspect of their beings except relationships?

Being a serial dater herself, the central question was as much a personal quandary as it was the subject of the guide. After a year and a half of hard work and answer-searching, Birch came up with a truly meaningful romance guide. The book contains a treasure chest of information from enlightening interviews with relationship gurus to in-depth research.

Happiness Is A Choice You Make by John Leland

relationship books about happinessLessons From a Year Among the Oldest Old reads the tagline to this one-of-a-kind book. Author John Leland follows the lives of six subjects, all of whom are now in their golden years, in a bid to better understand life and relationships. Dropping in on these individuals at infrequent moments, he learns to understand the true struggles of an aging existence.

Unlike other self-help guides, the lessons learned from Happiness Is A Choice come directly from the subjects themselves. But then, who better to preach about life than those who have been there and done it all? Should you be struggling in your current relationship or desperately seeking that rare slice of joy, you simply have to read this book.

Heart Talk by Cleo Wade

Finally, let’s take a moment to appreciate a relationship book created with the Instagram generation soundly in mind. Heart Talk is an artistic take on the genre, but that doesn’t mean that it deserves to be overlooked. If you’re short on time and need a daily dose of confidence and reassurance, this short book is the way to go.

Think of it as a book of advice from your wisest friend you can keep in your purse. Wade offers mantras, poems, and affirmations that should see you through even some of the rawest times within your relationship. As though that weren’t enough, all of the above scream “beauty and truth.”

Which one of these relationship books will you read first?

The Subtle Signs That You’re Just Not Into Him

The modern world of dating can be tough. It’s hard enough to find a decent person to go on a date with, let alone find one who makes you feel like you’re on top of the world. Despite that, there’s no reason you should settle for less than you deserve. Here are some of the subtle signs that you’re so not into him.

You’d Rather Hang Out With Your Girlfriends

Your phone buzzes. You look down. It’s him asking you to hang out after work tonight. He’s got some “big plans,” he says. Your heart sinks. Some of the girls from the office are heading out for happy hour cocktails and you honestly don’t want to miss out. You shoot a quick reply saying simply, “Sorry, busy tonight!”

There’s something wrong with this picture. While you shouldn’t drop everything each time he sends you a text, bailing on him also shouldn’t be the easiest thing in the world. However, if there’s no question as to what you’d rather be doing, that’s a major red flag.

girl friends hanging out

You Hardly Ever Think About the Future

Okay, so not every woman meets a guy and starts immediately daydreaming about walking down the aisle. (Some do… and that’s completely fine too!) However, if you’ve not even considered what the future holds for you and him, it could be because you don’t think there is one. If Mr. Right is actually Mr. Right Now, that’s not a huge deal. Just don’t lie to yourself or him about it, or someone could end up getting hurt.

He Never Makes You Laugh

Has your special someone got a good sense of humor? If the answer is a resounding no, it might have more to do with how you feel about him than anything else. In fact, research published in the Evolutionary Psychology Journal found a link between dating interest and both partners laughing.

So, if your guy makes you squeal with laughter, there’s a good chance you’re into him. On the other hand, though, if his jokes fall flat time and time again, you have to wonder why. Either he’s the least funny man on the planet or you’re just not feeling it.

woman not into him

You Don’t Miss Him When You’re Apart

Sure, you don’t want to be the type of lady who pines endlessly for her one true love (or maybe you do…you do you!). But not missing your partner at all isn’t just a sign of sheer independence – it could be a sign you’re not overly invested in the relationship. If you feel undeniable pangs of relief when he goes on a long weekend away without you, you have to question whether you really want to be with him or not.

You Don’t Ever Check Him Out

Your partner gets a new haircut, some new pants, or a new shirt – do you even notice? When was the last time you took a good, long look at your guy? The truth of the matter is when you’re attracted to someone, you can’t help but take your eyes off them. One study from Florida State University found we’re often unable to look away when we see someone who we find seriously attractive. It’s human nature.

A sure-fire sign you’re not that into your current squeeze is if you hardly ever look at them. You don’t notice the small things they do or whether they’ve made an effort for your date. These details are too fine for you to notice… because you’re not trying to.

You Think He Tries Too Hard to Impress

Let’s not beat around the bush: this guy is pulling out all the stops. He spontaneously buys you flowers. He sends you sweet “good morning” texts. When you’re hungry, he cooks. When you’re sleepy, he makes the bed and puts on some soft music. You might say he panders to your every whim – no matter how futile it may be. There’s just one problem.

redhead woman shrugging

You think he’s trying too hard. If any other guy did all of the above (and more), you’d probably be flattered beyond belief. For some reason, though, when this man does it, it makes you feel a little queasy. Why has he gotta try so darn hard, you wonder?

The Spark is Gone (Or It Was Never There!)

Do you feel butterflies in your stomach whenever he pulls you near? Do you even feel a little flutter? If there’s absolutely zero feeling, one of two things has happened. Either the spark has faded away over time and you’re only noticing the difference now. Or, if you’ve just started seeing this guy, it was never there in the first place.

Whatever the case, you have to ask yourself why you’re wasting your time here. Life is brief. Relationships come and go. People move on. If you’re not that into him, it might be kindest to him to say your goodbyes now and walk away. As the time-old saying goes, there are plenty more men on Tinder. And don’t we know it?

How to Be a Guest at Your Ex’s Wedding

The mysterious envelope drops through your door. You pick it up and rip it open to find a handmade, glitter-clad wedding invitation. The announcement is loud and clear. Your ex and their partner have decided to make things official. Oh yes, they’re tying the knot and they’ve decided they want you to witness the whole darn thing. Feeling confused? Here’s how you can handle the situation with true class.

Do Think Twice About Attending

It might be a radical notion but you don’t have to attend the wedding simply because you’ve been invited. Let that sink in. Before you rush out and buy a hat for the oh-so-special day, take a moment to really consider whether you want to go or not. If you search the depths of your soul and realize you’re a) not ready to go to your ex’s wedding or b) just plain don’t want to, that’s completely fine. This is 100% your call.

woman guest at a wedding

Don’t Go if You’re Not Over Them

Are you really over your ex? Be honest. Recent research from the Binghamton University and University College London found women suffer higher levels of emotional pain during a breakup than men do. If you’re still crying yourself to sleep at night while watching The Notebook on repeat, you might want to avoid attending your ex’s wedding.

Whether it’s been two weeks (unlikely… but you never know!) or 10 years since you broke up, there’s no shame in admitting you’re still hurt. Own that emotion. Just don’t own it on the dance floor of your ex’s wedding reception while weeping and tunelessly singing the latest Adele hit. You don’t want to be that girl. Nobody does.

Do Get a Brand New Outfit

If you’ve determined yes, you are absolutely over your ex, going to their wedding is an adult gesture. However, you’re not a saint. The last thing you want is to turn up to the big day looking like you just rolled out of bed and sprinted over. No. You deserve to look incredible. Plus, it could give you the boost you need.

woman trying on dresses

One psychological theory suggests the clothes we wear can have a direct impact on our cognitive processes, i.e. how we think. Experts have put forward the notion of “enclothed cognition,” which is the effect our outfit can have on how we feel. Wearing a new dress that makes you feel powerful and beautiful could make all the difference.

Don’t Try to Outshine the Bride

While you want to look awesome, you musn’t outshine the bride. You need to walk the tightrope here. This is her special day and she won’t take too kindly to being upstaged by her soon-to-be husband’s ex.

When it comes to picking your outfit, rule out any tight-fitted, low cut, and uber short little numbers. Search for a dress that makes you feel incredible but is still sophisticated and chic. That might be a tall order but it’s an excuse to have a serious shopping trip.

bride with her wedding guest

Do Take the Time to Compliment Her

Put yourself in the bride’s shoes. She’s been a big person and agreed to let her fiance’s ex come to her wedding. That’s a massive deal. The least you could do here is try to make her feel comfortable with that decision by showing you’re not a threat. Throwing a compliment or two her way when you say hello is a simple way to do just that.

Remember, complimenting someone is an art form. Research suggests a genuine compliment can increase happiness levels and improve social interactions. However, you don’t want to come across as fake. To avoid this tricky issue, choose something you’re genuinely impressed by to compliment. Be specific. For instance, you might love the bride’s hair or the flowers she picked out. Be honest and you’re onto a winner.

Don’t Drink Too Much Alcohol

When the champagne is flowing, it’s easy to get carried away and guzzle down more than you should. Cool it. Spoiler: alcohol makes people do and say things they would never dream of doing or saying when they’re sober. Alcohol limits the amount of oxygen your brain gets, which basically turns you into a giant child.

Of course, that doesn’t mean you can’t have a drink or two at the wedding, but set yourself a limit. You know yourself better than anybody else. Decide how much is an acceptable amount and stick to it. It might sound boring but the hangover and cringingly embarrassing flashbacks the next day are not worth it.

wedding guests drinking

Do Take a Date (if You Have a Plus One)

If you’ve been granted a plus one on the wedding invitation (and you’re dating someone), you’d better use it. Taking that special someone with you will only help to ease any social awkwardness. You’ve moved on and you’ve got someone new on your arm to prove it. Plus, having a friendly face by your side will help calm any nerves you may have.

Golden rule: tell your date it’s your ex’s wedding in advance. Seriously. If you keep that little nugget of information to yourself and the person you take finds out when you’re there, it could be a disaster. The best case scenario here is they think it’s no big deal and act graciously. The worst is they feel like a pawn in your childish revenge plot, freak out, and leave you at the dinner table. You don’t want to risk it.

The takeaway is simple. So long as you’re on good terms and you’re over them, attending your ex’s wedding doesn’t have to be a huge drama. Take things easy. This day is not at all about you. It’s about two people, who love one another, making a lifelong commitment. Leave the fact you used to date one of them at the door and have a blast.

5 Love Rules You Need to Stop Believing

Forget rom-coms. Being in a committed, long-term relationship takes energy, effort, and, yes, damn hard work. Some days, it’s not easy. Some days, it is. However, the painfully over-the-top, sickly sweet rhetoric around relationships can often be too much to stomach. Here are some of the so-called love rules you need to stop believing.

5 Love Rules to Toss Out ASAP

1. Monogamy is the Only Way to Go

Boy meets girl…. Meets another boy and/or girl? Gone are the days when this was a topic solely discussed in hushed tones amid conspiratorial glances. Non-monogamous relationships aren’t quite the taboo they used to be. In 2016, national statistics found one in five Americans had been in a relationship of this type.

What’s more, open relationships can be just as satisfying as monogamous ones, according to a recent study from the University of Guelph. As a golden rule, it’s important to structure a polygamous relationship so it suits both you and your partner. So long as you’re both getting what you need from the relationship – psychologically and sexually – you’re likely to be satisfied with the setup, noted Jessica Wood, research lead.

2. Relationships Should Be Fairy Tales

Quit comparing your relationship to everybody else’s. On the surface level, most couples seem content and blissfully in love with one another. However, you should remember you only see one side of them – the side they show the public. No relationship is a fairy tale 365 days a year… and neither should it be.

couple having an argument

It might sound cliche but every relationship is as unique as the people in it. Presuming there’s a one-size-fits-all formula for a happy life together is naive. In the end, it’s important to remember each couple has their own way of getting along. As long as you and your partner feel happy, supported, and fulfilled, that’s all that matters.

3. Arguing is a Sign of the End

Whether it’s bickering about whose turn it is to load the dishwasher or fighting about your finances, all couples argue. Should these spats become more and more frequent, you could be forgiven for thinking it’s the beginning of the end. However, that is likely not the case – so long as you argue effectively.

Couples who argue effectively are 10 times more likely to be in a happy relationship than those who ignore their problems, the Guardian recently reported. The reason is approaching issues oftentimes helps to solve them and means they won’t fester under the surface for years to come.

4. You Should Do Everything Together

Spending every minute of every day together might sound utterly romantic on the surface, but it could be a recipe for disaster. Making this mistake is a surefire way to fall into a humdrum routine and, frankly, get tired of each other’s company.

friends hanging out

Not only should you spend time with your own social circles outside of the relationship, but it could also help to make plans with other couple friends. Research from Wayne State University suggested that double-dating, i.e. hanging out with other couples, could be an effective way of relighting your romantic fire. The results suggested socializing this way could lead to a happier, more satisfying relationship.

5. You Can “Fix” an Unhappy Relationship

Staying in a relationship when you’re desperately sad is a mistake. In fact, it could quite literally kill you. People in unhappy relationships are more likely to have suicidal thoughts than those in happy relationships, according to a study conducted by the Medical University of Vienna. The research also linked being dissatisfied in a relationship to feelings of hopelessness and depression.

You may be under the impression even the most toxic of relationships are salvageable, but that’s not always the case. Should your partner or your situation be causing you distress, the smartest move may be to simply walk away. While there’s no doubt this is a difficult decision to make, putting your mental health first is crucial.