Tag Archives: chelsea handler

6 Seriously Funny Books You Need to Read Right Now

Don’t judge a book by its cover: judge it by its title! From unicorns with attitude to gnome uprisings, these six laugh-out-loud books will have you binge-reading until you’re laughing, crying, and maybe even propping your eyes open with toothpicks—Tom & Jerry-style.

 

Bossypants

Before Liz Lemon (the image of modern womanhood) uttered the “fake curse words” jagweed, blerg, and shark farts, before Tina Fey dug into a sheet cake and Donald Trump on the Weekend Update, before she parodied Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live, making it and America great again, the Queen of Comedy was a “Debbie Downer” with a dream: one where an “obedient white girl from the suburbs” could “say, yes, and….figure it out afterwards.”  From her work crush on Alec Baldwin to her completely sarcastic beauty tips (Our favorite? “Always remember the most important rule of beauty, which is: who cares?”), Fey’s Bossypants will rock your 30-somethings. Whether you’re killing time on a 90-minute subway ride or sinking a good six inches into your sofa, it’ll have you laughing, and possibly snorting, so loudly that people will beg you to flip through it somewhere else. And, as if that wasn’t enough, when its cover is spread-eagle, your top-half will be morphed into a freakish hybrid—a pretty woman with big, burly, hairy man arms.

 

Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea

are you there vodka chelsea handlerIf you had Judy Blume’s Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret on your night stand as a teenager or you just started changing, “We must. We must. We must increase our bust!”, you’ll get a kick out of Chelsea Handler’s parody title Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea. The perfect marriage of quick wit, self-mockery, and no doubt some hyperbole, the comedian mines her past for “oh, no you didn’t!” stories that’ll have you spewing laughter bombs. From pretending to honeymoon with her father in order to upgrade to first class to her “horizontal” antics, Handler’s irreverent and offensive turns of phrase don’t just cross the line. They completely erase it.  If you don’t get offended easily, take this quick read with you on your next flight—where appealing to the “higher power” of vodka is optional.

 

Knitting with Dog Hair: Better a Sweater From a Dog You Know and Love Than From a Sheep You’ll Never Meet

knitting with dog hairSharpen your knitting needles, ladies, and get ready to pet your yarn yields.  Kendall Crolius’ how-to book, Knitting With Dog Hair, will teach you how to make caps from your collies, mittens from your malamutes, and scarves from your Scottish terriers. Feline fanatics, there’s no need to be sourpusses because there’s also a section on cat hair. A free, environmentally-friendly spin on an old craft, this author’s crochets are a creative solution to every animal owner’s most vexing problem: shedding, shedding, and more shedding.  If you’re done wearing the scratchy wool sweaters from “sheep that you’ll never meet”, learn to collect, clean, spin, and store your pet’s fur. Surprisingly, though, it’s not a new practice, says Science Magazine. The Coast Salish, Native Americans from northern Washington and southern British Columbia, recycled Rover’s hair into non-ceremonial blankets until the early 1900s.

 

Unicorns are Jerks: a Coloring Book Exposing the Cold, Hard, Sparkly Truth

unicorns are jerksIf you believe that unicorns are made of sugar, spice, and everything nice and that they inhale rainbows, exhale sparkles, and purify poisons, we’ve got bad news: some unicorns can be a real horn in your side. Sure, unicorns think that they’re cool beans because they’re mysterious, beautiful, and mystical, but Theo Nicole Lorenz, the author of Unicorns Are Jerks, knows that they can be anti-social, mythological narcissists. The cartoonist caught them texting in theaters, nabbing leftovers from refrigerators, and even farting in elevators.  Of course, Theo had to sketch the pictures—the unicorns refused to sign photo release forms. But, now that you’ve learned the cold, hard, sparkly truth, you should color it with a set of sparkly markers.  That’s right. Show those jerky unicorns who’s the boss.

 

50 Shades of Chicken

fifty shades of chickenPull out the twine. Whip open the oven. And get ready to dominate dinner. F.L. Fowler’s 50 Shades of Chicken is the “love” story between a young, innocent, free-range chicken and a wealthy, sexy, and very, very hungry chef. A spoof of  EL James’ 50 Shades of Grey, it features three acts: “The Novice Bird” (easy recipes for roasters), “Falling to Pieces” (parts perfect for weeknight meals), and “Advanced Techniques” (the climax of cooking).  From jerking to stuffing to oiling: this pun-o-graphic cookbook is fully loaded with five-star recipes: Dripping Thighs, Bacon-Bound Wings, Learning-to-Truss-You Chicken, and Mustard-Spanked Chicken. 50 Shades of Chicken isn’t just a great gag-gift (pun intended), it’ll bring your date night to a simmer with its mix of laugh-out-loud text and revealing photographs—that’ll change the way you view garlic bulbs and olive oil forever.

 

How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack: Defend Yourself When the Lawn Warriors Strike (and They Will)

how to survive a garden gnome attackMove over adolescent vampires and flesh-eating zombies, there’s a new threat in town: garden gnomes. Standing a little over 12 inches tall, these flowerbed-dwellers are crafty sociopaths bent on murder and mayhem! So, if you ever spot pointy-hatted perps in your garden, dig up Chuck Sambuchino’s How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack, a 106-page guide with laugh-out-loud tips and knee-slapping photos.  From hiding a second “escape” bicycle to locking down your garden tools to creating a miniature moat around your house, whether you love gnomes or hate them, this coffee table-sized book might just save your life—or at least tea time.

What’s Cardio? Celebrities Who Lift Weights to Stay in Shape

Dear cardio, your days are numbered. While it doesn’t hurt to throw in a quick run or a warm-up on the elliptical here and there, people are finally catching on to the magic of lifting weights to stay lean, strong, and healthy. It’s simple, really: muscle burns more calories than fat, and it also takes up less space than fat. Therefore, the goal should be to have more muscle. And how do we do that?

All together now: lifting weights!

Even some of your favorite Hollywood celebrities have jumped on the gains train and started picking up some heavier weights in the gym. Yes, they have resources that most of us don’t — chefs, nutrition coaches, meal prep companies, and things of that nature. But they’re still just like you and me, and there’s a reason they’ve swapped a five-mile run on the treadmill for heavy back squats.

If you need a little more inspiration to go heavy at the gym, here are just a few badass celebrities who lift weights.

1. Kate Upton

Who said lifting weights makes you bulky?! Kate Upton is known for her feminine, curvaceous figure; and do you know how she stays in such fantastic shape? I’ll give you one hint: it doesn’t involve the stationary bike. Strong women are beautiful.

@kateupton supersets heavy landmine reverse lunges with some equally impressive dance moves. Strong! 💪💃

A post shared by Ben Bruno (@benbrunotraining) on

2. Demi Lovato

Lovato has certainly become a voice for women. After battling substance abuse and body images issues, she’s now on the right track and has been very vocal about her desire to lead a healthy, positive life. She often shares her adventures at the gym on Instagram, like these heavy squats in the rack. We must say, Lovato is looking smokin’ hot!

Friday 💪🏼 follow me on snap: theddlovato

A post shared by Demi Lovato (@ddlovato) on

3. Khloe Kardashian

People weren’t always very nice to little miss Khloe Kardashian. For many years, she was known as the fat sister, although she never was. Regardless, she turned a negative into a positive, and found a great love in fitness. She’s said before that it’s her therapy, and let’s be honest: it ain’t bad for her figure, either. While Kardashian was always beautiful, we can’t deny that in all her strong and curvy awesomeness, she’s major #bodygoals.

A post shared by Khloé (@khloekardashian) on

4. Chelsea Handler

She’s sharp, witty, and makes us laugh until our stomaches hurt; but that’s not all Handler is about. She’s also a beast in the gym. These hip thrusts are no laughing matter — super tough, but the perfect workout for a bigger booty. Handler doesn’t mess around with the weights, either. Go big or go home!

ChelseaDoes@benbrunotraining. He’s a monkey

A post shared by Chelsea Handler (@chelseahandler) on

5. Victoria’s Secret Angels

The secret is out. If you think that all of the angels are just naturally thin, well… some of them might be. But there are definitely others who have to work for it. These ladies break a sweat in the weight room so they can look flawless on the catwalk. Never dismiss the hard work that goes into modeling!